Back to the blue pen, because it is mine. And it does not get used much. I don’t socialize often. It’s not that I don’t miss my friends; I do, and very much. I’ve just not been good about keeping up on those relationships.

It used to be easier; I worked with my friends. At my previous job, I made friends with real and actual people (not like you fake internet assholes). When I moved to my current job, a previous coworker had gotten me the interview. He turned into my skate buddy, but has since moved on, and I haven’t even bothered to text and say, “Hey, let’s go skate tomorrow.”

This is the point where I need to not dwell on the horrible person that I am. Things were easy, and now they’re not. I’m only just realizing how much I need those friendships. I need to work for them instead of just being at work for them.

I heard a simple method for helping to keep a friendship active on a recent episode of Back to Work. Set repeating reminder for yourself to setup a lunch with your friends (or a phone call, if you’re into that sort of thing). The host uses a “6 week” rule. I’d like to try for something a little more frequent than that, so I will. This sort of specificity makes a good candidate to replace something vague on My List.

As any intelligent husband would do, I’m stealing another idea from my wife. The basics of the idea is to create goals that are SMART. You know, the opposite of what I did. They need to be goals I can think about and then immediately call to mind the next action step. Sometimes that action may be to complete another 40×40 goal, but I think that’s OK.

As an example, one of my goals was something along the lines of “Become better at chess”. While I think this is a noble goal, I wasn’t entirely sure how to go about completing it. I read books. I played a few games. But I didn’t know if I was any better yet, or if my level of better was enough. So I’m revising this goal to something specific and achievable: Play 200 games of chess.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be reviewing My List, rethinking and reworking it to have goals that fit both my dreams and my life. Because that’s what needs to happen to start Doing Things.

But it’s hard not think that way, especially when you’re out of practice.

I haven’t published a blog post in over a year. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t have anything to say, because I’m afraid that what I have to say is unimportant, or because I’m afraid I can’t do a good enough job, so there’s no point in even trying. Whatever it is, I do know that it’s based in fear.

Having something to say is heavily connected to whether we think that something is important. In my head, asking whether or not something I want to do is important always implies a comparison to experiences and works that are far beyond my capabilities. This is an excruciating way to view yourself.

The entire point of a hero is that you think highly of them. You aspire to be better than you are, and to be more like them in a way. Having someone who inspires you to work harder at something almost requires that you see them as better than yourself in at least some capacity. Constantly comparing yourself to them, however, is counter-productive.

My wife is a writer, and she’s great at what she does. I’ve watched her grow her talents, and her audience correspondingly, for the past few years, and I want to be more like her. Over the past few months, she’s had greater and greater success with her writing. I’m proud of her. I’ve been lucky to be here as she thinks aloud through her content and occasionally asks for my thoughts. I’ve been able to learn from her.

But I’ve fallen into the trap of measuring myself against her, along with other people I admire. I cannot be awesome in the same way they are awesome. Thinking that I can is only setting myself up for disappointment. Over the past post-less year, my fear of writing has grown. In my twisted brain, I’m continually using the success of others to admit my own defeats. I’ll look up to someone and inevitably fail to live up to the standards I imagine they have. It makes starting anything very difficult, and continuing almost impossible.

I know this is a problem, but I am plodding along. Restarting. Again. If only in a small way. Still trying to convince myself that my little thoughts and creations do matter. They matter to me. And I am allowed to be important to myself, even if what I do sucks in comparison to another. (It will.) Even if I need more practice. (I do.) Even if I don’t know what I’m doing. (I don’t.) And yes, even if I never show my work.

It’s time to figure out how to be my own kind of awesome.

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