I think we all do it, because we all have to. We could spend every waking moment worrying about what we should be doing, or what we could be doing better. We could do this to the point of paralyzation. Or we could go do something—anything—to forget about how horrible we are. We’re really good at finding distractions.

I wonder if part of the problem is indirectness. The things we do everyday to accomplish what we call surviving doesn’t directly relate to doing good things for others or even for ourselves. This makes it difficult to appreciate the tasks we do accomplish for what they’re worth. Even worse, it makes it difficult to realize the tasks we are accomplishing have virtually no worth to anyone.

Back to what a horrible person I am. I find it both heartbreaking and exhilarating that there is not a single subject that I don’t need improvement in. Arguably, learning is the point of living. But when should I decide that I have finished learning any particular thing? I never studied writing, but I’m writing this. I know I still have much to learn in this area, and I know this post isn’t worth much of anything to anybody but me. Does that mean I shouldn’t hit the publish button?

It’s too easy to never ship anything that isn’t perfect. With any creation—a song, a software application, a blog post—I find it difficult to find the end point. When do you say “This is finished,” and push it out the door? How do you do that when you know, with a little more work, it could be better?

Possibly what bothers me most is that I don’t have any answers. I doubt that any of us have any answers. And it’s quite possible that none of us ever will. I suppose that’s why they call it the “human condition”.

What I do know is that I’ve spent a most of an hour sitting inside this McDonald’s, not exercising, not playing with my kids, not writing software, and not doing any of the other 40 things that I have on a list somewhere. But I did write this. I put something out there. Even if this is, at best, practice for some bigger goal that will never get accomplished, it’s published.

Its not perfect.

Well, maybe I’m not as much of a fat fuck as I used to be. But, I’m still fat. Something really needs to be done.

Srsly.

Oh, look! It just so happens that wifey and I share a 40×40 goal. We both want to get down into our ideal weight range. Mine being 185lbs or less.¹ Her’s not being that much.

When I shared the story with a friend of how Heather was applying to be a Mamavation mom and that I was playing along with the “at home” version, it didn’t seem to come as a surprise. I was told that I had always seemed to be a very supportive person, and to an extent, that’s true. Heather even pointed that out her her application video. I want her to be happy, and if that means eating Reese’s and drinking Sunkist, I’ll support and/or enable her. But on the other hand, I need and want to do this too. So when she outlined her plans, I jumped on the bandwagon like the opportunistic douchebag that I am.

And while I’m not immediately concerned with weight-loss, I do suspect it will be a pleasant side-effect of trying to live a little healthier. And that seems to be the goal that Heather (as well as the folks over at Mamavation) are trying to accomplish.

So we’re doing this thing together. And it hurts. Not so much in the good way.

¹ I haven’t been in that range since high school, when I was in both gym and weight training and far more capable of kicking your Dad’s ass.

Boobs.

As I was saying, I did some things last year. I got married again in a spectacularly awesome fashion. I spent some time learning and practicing a bit of basic music theory. I also spent a fair amount of time writing, rewriting, and re-rewriting lyrics that I’ve not yet used. I spent a large chunk of the last half of the year making a WordPress coupon plugin. I bought a Mac or two. And I skated a fair amount.

This is all well and good (and some of it more so), but I need to step it up if I want to have any chance of coming anywhere close to even getting half-way through my admittedly monstrous list. So I’m sort of re-refocusing (again) and putting more effort into things while trying not to go completely sleepless. It’s been working out pretty well for the past couple of weeks, and here’s hoping I can keep pushing forward.

Looking in that direction, I’ve gotten one song mostly written and two more partially formed. I’ve played almost a dozen games of Go. I’ve even managed to find a bit of time to start The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask. But, this coming weekend will be spent entirely with the wife while the kids are at Camp Grandma™. Even if it doesn’t get turned into an alphabet date, we’ll still have some fun.

There was one problem with that: I was entirely afraid to blog about any progress being made on one of my more important goals.

This led to many things, most of which were bad. My writing languished. And when my writing about my list fell behind, it seemed like the efforts toward my list fell behind. This perceived falter led to an actual falter. Well, maybe it was the other way around, but it spiraled further still. Maybe it was because I was putting most all of my effort into a task that I couldn’t talk about. I had all but abandoned skateboarding. Music was still (and always will be) a big part of my life, but I wasn’t writing or learning. It was all going toward this one, private thing and the bottom line was that I became scared of failing again.

So, we had what seems like a fairly important decision to make. But we’ve made it, and now we get to see what comes of it, which is probably nothing.

I’ve spent the better half of the last year working on some software for one of my wife’s projects, slowly but surely plugging away at a my little portion of a dream of hers. Things changed late last year, though. She had an idea to piece out part of the functionality she wanted into a WordPress plugin and sell it. That’s when shit almost got serious.

We put our heads together, had a brainstorming session or two, and came up with a set of requirements which could be turned around into a deliverable in a short amount of time. The idea fit nicely into her niche. Mommy bloggers. Deal bloggers. Affiliate marketers. Coupons. Frugality. All things she excels at. Now it was just my job to make the software magically appear. As it so happens, I’m fairly decent at the software things. I think it’s why she married me.

For about six weeks, I spent most of my evenings (and a lot of early mornings) coding and testing. It was fun and not fun, and the end result is really just a starting point for something bigger, but there’s a sense of accomplishment here.

I made something.

It’s not a mass appeal thing. In fact, it’s for very small demographic. But, I made something. And early testing and reports seem to indicate that it’s at least likable. Now is the real test, though. We’re releasing it out into “the market”. To be sold. To see if people will like it enough to pay real, actual, almighty dollars for it. This is the scary part again. I’m not really afraid of failing, because other than time there’s not much invested in this project. So I’m not sure why it’s scary. Perhaps anxious is a better word. Anyway, with some luck this little project will be a kick-starter.

It’s called Dealinator. And it’s a WordPress coupon plugin.

Oh, I also made the website, which was fun but time consuming because I’m self-teaching (self-learning?) the skill and craft of design.

But, as luck would have it, 2010 was the year of broken things. Dishwashers, microwaves, water heaters and even vehicles weren’t exempt from the wave of brokenness that washed over last year. So when two computers died, it was annoying, but not entirely unexpected.

The HTPC (home theater PC) has been at or near the center of our entertainment system for the better part of a decade serving multiple purposes, including media server and on-site backup. When the repurposed A-bit BP6 Asus A7N8X-DX motherboard decided that USB and SATA connections weren’t important, we had to replace the system, and we did so with a Mac mini. I would have considered this a conquered 40×40 item, but after installing Plex, setting up some shared storage, and scheduling a few background processes, the machine was (not quite purposefully) limited to a 10-ft. interface.

Fast-forward to June. Our family trip to Myrtle Beach wasn’t all fun and games: I had to bring my laptop to manage a few minor work details and, if I had time, record a quick demo for a song-writing contest. Unfortunately, the screen’s backlight decided to take it’s own vacation. Returning home, this left us with a decision of repair or replace. After much deliberation, we—yes, we—decided to replace my Windows laptop with a MacBook Pro. One of the main reasons behind this decision was that Macs have a reputation of lasting much longer than their PC counterparts. So, while it was more money up-front, we’re betting on it paying off in the long run by not having to repair or replace a PC every 2 years.

Now, a few months after cracking the packaging for my MacBook Pro, I can say I’m pretty well settled in. Where the Mac Mini is a family machine, the MacBook is all mine and overall I’d say I’m a pleased consumer. Of course I can gripe: coming from Windows where “replacing” a directory means “merging” can be dangerous; freeware is limited simply because the user-base is smaller; and some software (looking at you iPhoto) wants you to follow its process flow and doesn’t make it easy handle any other workflow. But all in all these are minor. I’ve also managed to find replacements for most of the software I used in the PC realm. And things really do “just work”. Camcorders. Printers. Recording devices. They all just work.

Don’t call me a convert/cultist/elitist yet, though. I would still say both machines have their place and feel comfortable enough using either. Maybe next I’ll dive back into some Linux distro.

For now, here’s hoping the only reason I’m not using this MacBook Pro in five years is because I could afford to buy the next big thing. If that’s the case, the wife and I will be two happy campers. And in the meantime, I’ve completed something from my 40×40 list that will enable me to more easily do some other things from my list. That seems like a good thing.

First on the list, since we had been watching a lot of iCarly with the kids I wanted a smoothie. Also, Spencer is awesome. Yelp and/or Google Maps failed us on this journey and we ended up chatting while getting lost in farmfield suburbia. So instead we meandered down towards the Carmel Arts District and started the second leg of our King’s Quest.

This was probably my favorite part of the K date. We spent a large chunk of the afternoon wandering in and out of various galleries talking about the various paintings and sculptures and chatting about whatever came to mind. There are a lot of galleries in the Arts District, oddly enough, and we didn’t get to visit them all. It seems we always have something to come back to.²

As the Arts District started to close up shop, we wandered into a music store. This is where us not taking any pictures becomes important. They had a freakin’ Star Wars guitar. Star. Wars. Guitar. It was awesome. And we didn’t take any pictures, nor did I ask to play it, because I am an idiot.

Still in awe of the Star Wars guitar, we wandered a little further and hit one of our oldest child’s favorite spots: The Simply Sweet Shoppe. Here, Heather drooled over the many and varied chocolate things while I nabbed some cherry sours and (Eureka!) a strawberry smoothie. We sat and talked some more. We do that a lot on our dates.

Turns out I don’t really like strawberry smoothies.

Dinner was Mexican. I mean, we didn’t eat a Mexican. We’re not cannibals. We ate Mexican food. White cheese and margaritas and nachos and chili rellenos. Damn this is awkward. Move along.

We rounded out our “King for a Day” with a trip to a local nerd hangout, Netheads—the Internet cafe and game center. This is probably where I lost her. They’ve got rows of PC’s and various gaming consoles and a little station where they sell drink and foodstuffs. They sell Bawls. I love that stuff. I bought two. She did not drink one.

We also played a couple games. I kicked her ass at movie trivia few times, and we called it a night.³

I don’t think you’d call the date epic or awesome or amazing or any other elevated description our generation tends to apply to things, but I would say that I had fun with my wife. And I think she had fun with me too.

That’s because I rule.

¹ Not to worry. She’s gets the whole Q date later.
² This is also quite true of our marriage.
³ Seriously, the only time it was close was at the beginning when I didn’t realize the controller had to have line of sight.

When you’re in black slacks with accentuating, off-white pinstripes, everything goes according to plan.

I’ve been struggling with how to write this one up. It was big and important and quaint and cheesy all rolled into a beautiful ball, but seeing as how Heather has already written up the ‘K’ date, I need to just put aside whatever grandiose plan I was hatching and wander my way through this. Aimlessly, some might say I have a habit of doing.

First things first. We sprang for the limo. Hells yes, we did. It was lights and glamor and flashy and entirely over the top, but not in the Sylvester Stallone kind of way. I didn’t notice if people were staring, but I’m sure they were—if not for the limo, for the dork hopping into the limo with the sexy lady.

The ride seemed entirely too short. We dove into the back, got comfortable, chatted with the driver for a moment or two, snapped a couple pics of our shoes and the next thing we knew, we were meeting Elvis.

We made it to the chapel, which we were informed was across the street from the fictional chapel they built for The Hangover, and got debriefed for our wedding ceremony.

This was what it “came down to”. This was the symbolic turning point we had planned for. This was the celebration of the work we had done to rework and rebuild our marriage. This was a wonderful moment for us.

Spencer’s Vows:

At 5AM all those years ago, when I first asked you asked you to marry me, I couldn’t have imagined everything we’ve gone through. We’ve not always taken the easiest path and I often don’t know where we’re headed. But I know wherever we end up, I’ll be glad that I’m with you.

Thirteen years ago, I didn’t want to wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m proud of you, of us, and of everything we’ve done together.

I love you, and I still want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Heather’s Vows:

I love you, that much has never changed. As we planned this day, I thought it would be about starting over. We’ve struggled a lot over the years and I was sure a new beginning would help us reconnect. Now that we are reconnecting on our own, I don’t want a new beginning. I want it all: the beginning, the middle and straight through the end of our journey on earth. All of it is a part of who we are and the unit we’ve become. It isn’t the intertwined unit I always imagined but I like the path we’ve found a lot better. We walk side by side as two individuals, committed to actively loving the other. Thank you for giving me the freedom to learn who I am and your unconditional love as you get to know me over and over again. Now, I recommit myself to knowing and loving you. In front of God, Elvis and the Internets, I promise to support your passions, encourage your dreams and walk beside you until the end of our days.

The limo ride back was just as short as the ride there, but the novelty had worn off and we just got to enjoy each others company while we also happened to be in a limo. It was all part of the fun of the 40×40 list.

Unfortunately, not everything got to be completed in 40×40 land. Before we even left for the trip, we found out that one of my Vegas trip items was not going to be fulfilled. The roller coaster at the New York hotel was down for maintenance the entire time we were there. In reality, it was barely noticed because I had so much fun that it didn’t really matter that I didn’t accomplish everything on my list. And you know what, it just means we’ll have to go back again.

Next time Heather wants a Star Wars wedding.

Well, another Song Fu has almost finished. It’s down to the final two. I have yet to decide whether or not I will submit a shadow entry for this round.

I may have gotten the lowest number of votes over all three rounds (including someone who skipped two of the three rounds), but I finished all three rounds with recorded demos. I consider that one hell of an accomplishment.

I didn’t do it alone. I have to thank Ken Plume for hosting this amazing thing and giving me a reason to stop whatever it is I was doing and say, “No. I have to go write a song now.” Before Song Fu, I don’t think I’d written a full song (music and lyrics) in over 10 years. It feels damn good to be doing it again.

I also have to thank every competitor and everyone over at Too Much Awesome and everyone who reviewed the Song Fu music. They’re all wonderful people and it’s great to be a part of something so amazing. It seems that every round just kept getting better and, as a result, pushed me to improve.

Finally, I absolutely must thank my lovely wife for her patience and support. I know you’re playing me off, but this must be said. Without her I could not have done this. I know it was a big imposition (especially Song Fu 5—I have a penchant for bad timing). She gave me those few hours every other week to write and record those few songs. She is a patient and loving woman and I’m glad to have her. I’d like to think that Song Fu is glad to have her as well.

That’s it. I’m done. I hope to see you all again for Song Fu 7.

I’m fairly pleased with my song for this round—that’s not happy by any means, though. The point for me is improvement. I’m not so much interested in the competition. This is really just a reason to blow off everything and say, “I can’t. I have to write a song” and not have people look at me any funnier than usual.

I think I’m improving, but I still really need help on the recording side of things. I’ve got one of these nifty M-Audio Fast Tracks, which comes with a stripped down version of Pro-Tools. The problem is: I have no clue how to use Pro-Tools or how to master a track. I could use a mentor.

In the spirit of The Masters of Song Fu, I signed up for a Bandcamp account and uploaded everything I’ve done for Song Fu. They’re all free downloads and you can even listen for to them right there on the site. But wait! There’s more!   —   Not really. I just wanted to say that.

The best part about this is that it’s giving me practice and confidence to take on one of the larger projects from my 40×40 list. My goal for this edition of Masters of Song Fu is to complete all three challenges. I only managed two of three last time. Once I get through this, I think it will be time to start writing an album.

I’ll have to look into renting a cello.

Our ‘I’ alphabet date happened smack in the middle of December, which means we had to combine our date with the inevitable shopping that must be done around the holidays—what with the giving and all. To some, that would be combining business with pleasure. We just saw it as a chance to go shopping together without the three tag-alongs. Or run-abouts. Or whatever we’re calling our trio of beautiful girls these days.

We spent a couple of hours wandering around Circle Center mall and—against all odds—I bought myself nothing the entire shopping trip. We wandered and shopped and laughed and probably spent entirely too long looking for Colts stuff. That’s just what we do. We did manage to finish buying all the gifts that were needed for the Christmas celebration we were having the next morning.

By this point we were famished.

Part of the reason we keep heading downtown (besides the sheer joy of saying “we’re going downtown“) is because there are so many wondrous dining establishments we have yet to enjoy. This time we went with Weber Grill. We weren’t disappointed. The Caesar salad was delicious. I’m not sure if I was craving a salad or what, but I simply devoured it. And now, I’m pretty sure it’s blocking my memory of the main course.

I do recall that Heather had some variation of meat and potatoes. That’s a pretty safe bet for any dinner of hers, though.

We finished dinner, tipped the wonderful wait staff generously and started to make our way to Monument Circle. The Christmas lights were out in full force. And since it started to sprinkle, we stopped by the South Bend Chocolate Company for two large hot chocolates to accompany us on the final stretch of our date.

There are always things in your town that natives never seem to get around to doing because they’re always there. For us, one of those things was taking a horse-drawn carriage ride around downtown. As we walked towards the carriages, Heather picked out a nice Clydesdale that happened to have the same name as our nephew, though he was probably not named after him.

We got in the carriage and took the quiet route around downtown. By this time it was well past midnight and the rain was coming down in a steadier rhythm. This didn’t bother us, as we were already tightly snuggled under the blanket we were given.

Too soon, we were back at the Circle and the date portion of our date was over after the drive home, where we had stay up later to wrap presents for the festivities that would happen just a few short hours later.

We were too tired to notice that we’re closing in on the ½-way point our alphabet dates. Someone put wings on my clock.